Sometimes being a mom is hard. OK, maybe I should say, a lot of times being a mom is hard. We all know being a parent is hard. I say mom here because this is about you and (mostly) me. Not about generalities. I’m not talking about the mountains of laundry or the piles of dishes. Nor am I talking about being up all night with a sick kid or juggling work and pediatrican visits. I’m talking about my oddities and insecurites, and your quirks and challenges. There are days when I struggle and days when I feel guilty because you deserve a much better role model. Today might be one of those days.
I had a little chat with your preschool teacher this morning when I dropped you off today. (Let’s not talk about the fact that you were 35 minutes late because our personalities clashed and you moved at a snails pace, OK?) She shared with me that she was feeling frustrated with certain dynamics in the class, and the pressure to “prepare you all for kindergarten” was weighing on her. She also mentioned that she was devistated from learning yesterday that one of her daughter’s friends from high school had taken her own life over the weekend. As we stood in the hallway talking in hushed tons, you caught my eye from your seat at the snack table and blew me a kiss.
How can I raise you to be confident when I lack confidence in myself? How can I instill in you a belief that you are good enough, smart enough, and perfect JUST THE WAY YOU ARE when I question myself at each turn? How can I show you that all you have to be is YOU when I sometimes feel like I don’t even know myself?
You don’t have to BE perfect. You ARE perfect. At the end of the day, you just have to try. You just have to keep moving. For a perfectionist, the hardest thing to do is try. Trust me. I don’t want to try if it’s not going to end up right and correct and perfect. I’m afraid to say, I think you have this too. You crumple up your papers when it doesn’t turn out JUST how you wanted. You refuse to write your name because you aren’t 100% sure that you’ll do it right. Just try sweetie girl. Just try.
I suppose at the end of the day, that all I can do too. Just try. Maybe we can learn this together.
I love you always my sweet Caroline.
February 15th, 2012